A government statistician, Dr. Alan Jones, has revealed that there is a link between school league tables and type of violent crime in a city.
Cities with high levels of gun crime such as Manchester perform just below the national average. Whereas Hull, rock bottom in all league tables since Preston North End won in 1877, is limited to the implementation of knifes and baseball bats.
He suggests that the complex nature of guns and other weapons requiring an amount of thought process are too difficult for the average Hullite to operate.
This could explain why the city is blighted by crime utilising "primitive" weapons requiring only a thrust or swing to cause damage.
"If we reduce education spending in the city further, the use of their penis may be forgotten by the city's male population leading to a significant reduction in the burden on the tax payer. The number of single mothers requiring council houses and their offspring who will be on the dole in 14 years time [the city's compulsory school leaving age] could be halved in 2 years and eradicated completely in five" Jones suggested.
Hull's population has been a net receiver of government benefits since the 1772 census.