Written by Dungeekin
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Monday, 9 March 2009

image for New Speed Limits Introduced

A new Road Safety campaign has been launched by the Government today, with the stated aim of jointly reducing both the accident rate and offsetting rising unemployment.

Following the success of the Government's Think!! speed-reduction campaign and the introduction of 20mph 'Safe Zones', Road Minister Jim Fitzpatrick has announced that the scheme is to be expanded in scope and legislation.

Under the terms of the new laws, the maximum speed on most of Britain's roads will be reduced to 4mph, and all cars are to be preceded by a man waving a red flag in order to warn other road users and pedestrians.

The 4mph limit will be enforced by a nationwide network of average speed cameras, backed by a login system installed on the driveway of every house in the country. Any journey that exceeds 4mph average for its entirety will be subject to a fine of £60 per minute based on the differential between the actual time taken and the projected time at the new speed limit.

Mr Fitzpatrick said, "we know that if a child is struck by a car at 40mph they have an 80% chance of being killed. If struck at 30mph, there's an 80% chance they'll live. By reducing the speed limit, nationwide, to 4mph we can be certain that there will never be another fatal accident on Britain's roads - and the fine system will ensure that we have plenty of revenue to invest in our new retail banking business".

The Minister also explained that the draconian speed limit would not apply on motorways, where once a toll had been paid drivers could accelerate all the way to 15mph. He also added that the sending of text messages while driving would now become legal, as long as the sender could prove Labour Party membership.

While road safety groups and Guardian readers have welcomed the new plans, they have not met with universal approval. Top Gear presenter and renowned petrolhead Jeremy Clarkson said, "It's just another [CENSORED] attack by the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] Government, who [CENSORED] think that they're [CENSORED] when, as far as I'm [CENSORED] concerned, they can [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] with knobs on".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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