Written by Jonny Taff
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Saturday, 7 March 2009

image for British Olympic Organisers Blow Budget on English Identity Crisis

The people organising the London 2012 Olympics have today been blasted over the release of its latest budget report. The report reveals that £28m has already been spent on intense research to find or develop a national identity for England.

Part of the masterplan for the 2012 London Olympics is to showcase Britain to the world during the opening ceremony. The show will start with all four British countries emerging from four sides of the new Olympic stadium in national costume and displaying cultural traits. Three quarters of the act has already been planned and rehearsals are in full swing.

The Scottish quarter will be one of tartan, highland games, bagpipers, nessie and their message will be one of victory over adversity. The Welsh side of the stadium will be filled with rugby players, choirs, daffodils, folk dressed as celtic warriors, miners, farmers and the overall message will be one of communities coming together to represent and form one family. The Northern Irish quarter will concentrate on what has brought the country together, notably Gaelic football, music, their sporting heroes i.e. George Best, Alex Higgins, Eddie Irvine and their message will be one of continued peace.

After much head scratching and brainstorming, they were unable to think of anything that could be considered as part of an English 'culture'. They weren't happy to go with the obvious: chavs, soccer hooligans, the greedy and envious middle to upper classes, celebrity obsession and copycat towns and cities (with a starbucks on each corner). They didn't feel that any of these examples conveyed the 'right message' to the world and so hatched a plan to develop a new identity.

Unfortunately, the £28m budget didn't last long because the twelve board members - who were put in total control of the budget - voted on substantial wage hikes and pension packets for themselves and subsequently retired after only two weeks (during which time they jetted to St. Lucia on a 'fact-finding' mission).

This has left a big hole in the budget and with still no clue as to what constitutes' Englishness'. It has therefore been decided that they will put their faith solely in the British public, who will now be able to have their say via phone and text suggestions.

If you are willing and eager to help with the cause, you can phone the organisers (calls cost £35 per minute plus network charges) or text them (£20 per text).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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