Written by Mrs Kensington
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Saturday, 7 March 2009

image for David Van Day Gatecrashes Kilimanjaro Triumph
Van Day - "Old Tosser"

Nine celebrities who have been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in aid of Comic Relief, reached the summit as dawn broke this morning - only to find has-been wannabe celebrity, David Van Day, waiting for them with champagne.

Nearly £1.4 million has been raised by the celebrities, including GMTV host Ben Shephard and DJ Chris Moyles, with some of the team enduring altitude sickness and exhaustion on their ascent to the top of the 19,300ft (5,900m) mountain.

Girls Aloud's Cheryl Cole and presenter Fearne Cotton, who were among the first to reach the summit, were said to be 'fucking livid' when they saw Van Day posing for OK magazine and thanking the British public for their support.

An eye witness described how West End Star Denise Van Outen, who is to wed Lee Meade soon, reportedly screamed "What the fuck is that old tosser doing up here?" and tried to pull off his newly improved toupe and 'Strictly Come Dancing' Champion Alesha Dixon had to be restrained when she attempted to push him off the summit.

The final straw came when Van Day (72) began performing a song penned especially for the climb entitled "Kili Kili Kili We're Celebrities and we're Silly" and tried to persuade Boyzone's Ronan Keating and Take That's Gary Barlow to release it with him as a charity single.

Asked if he regretted spoiling the charity climb, Van Day told reporters "I had to join the expedition a little later than the rest of them, because Dollar had an important gig at South Shields Working Men's Club. I'm a celebrity just like them and I've almost got the same surname as Denise Van Outen. This is just sour grapes because I got here first."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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