Written by matwil
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Topics: Scotland, Ireland

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

image for Entire Scottish nation emigrates to Ireland
'A warm welcome to our beloved Scottish relations. Not.'

As news that Scotland was planning to bring in a minimum price on alcoholic drinks, towns and cities in that part of the world emptied within hours, as millions of Scots headed to Ireland for what one emigre - Sir Robert C Nesbitt - called 'somewhere we can get a decent cheap bevvy, ya bam. And nae problem wi' cashing our giros.'

Gunmen on both sides of the Northern Irish community instantly called a truce, and united to form the 'Ulster Teetotaller Association', while in the Republic many pubs started putting up 'No Scots Allowed' signs in their windows. Irish Prime Minister Bertie O'Bama said: 'Sure, Scots are fine as long as they stay in Scotland, where they can waste their lives on mindless alcoholic violence and terrorising English tourists. But we can't allow such behaviour here, in what is after all the most peaceful part of the world.'

'And - mine's a Guiness, please - it is quite correct for the London government to - yeah, and a Jamieson's too - pick on the hardest drinking people on earth to see if - OK, a Bushmills then - they'll put up with this idea. Well, anything that makes London look stupid is all right, as for as we're concerned. No ice in the whiskey, just water.'

Long-suffering Scots have already had the poll tax and the smoking ban inflicted on them a year before the rest of the UK, in what Prime Minister Gordon Brown called 'Making fools of my own people before buggering off to London', but the removal of cheap alcohol from the world's heaviest drinkers was simply going too far, and Caledonian MacBrayne ferries to Ireland were packed with refugees, desperate for a return to normality.

Mr Nesbitt said: 'See thon Guiness, by the way, it's boak, but it's cheap boak. And that Irish whiskey may be pishwater but at least you can get it cheap oota Lidl's there. Thay Irish will be glad tae see us, especially in the corner shops where we'll be getting the Glen's vodka in. Might even send some back to the wife in Lanarkshire - if I can train a pigeon to take it across the watter.'

Scottish Minister for Makingafoolofherself Nicola Sturgeon was strangely quiet, after even the Scottish Labour Party were laughing at her, but no-one was laughing in Belfast or Dublin. The Battle of the Boyne will be 319 this July, the Battle of Bannockburn 695.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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