The schools watchdog has lavished praise on the 'school of life' following a recent inspection. The five hundred page inspection report contains endless reference to a, "superlative educational experience in which valuable lessons were learned the good old fashioned, hard way".
"We have nothing but praise for the leadership team at the school of life and its dedicated staff, many of whom are not actually qualified teachers."
The department for 'hard knox' was singled out as a shining example of good, solid, practical learning. When a pupil, placed on work experience 'mouthed off' at a foreman on a building site, the hapless school boy had his 'lights punched out'.
The bruised and bemused little scrote claimed; "Feedback from my learning was instant and, following a visit to hospital I can confidently say that I won't be doing that again".
The inspection team,; a selection of corporate crooks, 'consultants', parasites and burn outs, claim the School of Life represents excellent value for money to the taxpayer. Dick Head, the team leader for Tesco's learning for life Academies claimed, "This low cost aspect of delivering learning through the School of life allows us to typically siphon off around seventy thousand pounds a school for this junket."
Dick Head went on to claim; "The school of life offers a unique insight into a future of self-resourcing, and autonomous learners, engaged in self-directed enquiry, or selflessly helping the police with their enquiries". "Some of them have been in their decades and learned. absolutely nothing", claimed a member of the inspection team. "With this sort of curriculum we can look forward to a dumbed down, cheap, subservient labour force. "I cannot believe how much I am paid for this shit! "
Following the death of a pupil from bullying at the School of life, inspectors launched into a scathing attack of its ethos, facillities, curriculum, and practices. Among the criticisms were:
A lack of pace and challenge in lessons. It would take some men years to learn from their mistakes, if at all.
Accommodation is very poor with few opportunities to get away from it all. School meals consisted largely of pig testicles, anuses and bitter experiences. Most lessons observed were learnt the hard way resulting in several, near fatalities.
Head of cliches and archetypes at the school, Gene Hunt claims, "you do it my way or its the highway sunshine!I havnt got two hours to discuss it with the ponce, circle time never solved anything mate. I didnt care that the lad showed his 'kind hands', I gave the nonce a good kicking".
Feedback and assessment were very poor resulting in most pupils not having the first idea about what they were doing through most of their lives .The 'Arses and Elbows' classes addressed some of these problems but concerns remain about the level of skills and knowledge students acquire at The School of Life. The school represents poor value for money on the value added ratio; most students leave this life as clueless as when they arrive.
Senior managers were singled out for particular criticism regarding the arcane practice of wandering the school with their fingers up their arses. Sally Silly, the Humanities inspector claimed, while we respect cultural diversity and colloquial practices, we feel very strongly that this ritual of 'fingers up your arses' is an anachronism and irrelevant in the modern classroom. "I'm just grateful they haven't got their fingers up our arses, they usually do", claimed a source who insisted on remaining anonymous.