Sad news today. It has been confirmed that Jack Straw is safe and well. It had been thought that he had finally heeded the advice of millions and got lost.
The story looks like being a hoax. It has angered civic leaders in Blackburn, Mr Straw's constituency. "We had planned a huge party. There was to be a banquet and live entertainment" said Billy Bogbrush, Mayor of Blackburn "We even booked Dale Winton to appear".
The hoax was discovered when it was announced that Straw needed money in order to return. Nobody responded. Clearly nobody would pay to have him back. Quite the reverse. Had the hoaxers asked for money in order to keep Straw they could have earned millions.
Gordon Brown was informed of the "good" news. "Oh bollocks" said the PM. The whole cabinet appeared shrouded in gloom, following the earlier elation.
Next time the hoaxers will have to pick somebody we like. So no politicians then.