Written by dgwest7
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Saturday, 21 February 2009

image for UN selects Nottinghamese as new world dialect
Clinton to teach Nottinghamese to Obama

The United Nations Language Unification Commission last night ended its long deliberations over which dialect of the English language should become the standard for The New Word Order.

The head of the commission, Sir Tain Toby Adaftbuga, in our recent scoop interview said "Agorrasay amappy", which in Olde Englishe would have been written as 'I have got to say I am happy'.

He went on to explain that Nottinghamese had been selected because of the ability to say so much in so few syllables, thus reducing the volume of storage space previously taken up the verbiage of lengthy political speeches. All speeches had been categorised as Factual, Doubtful, and Aloadobollux, with the vast majority falling into the latter category.

Our reporter asked "Eyugorrawiya" and Sir Toby replied "No, shesatomm", which for the benefit of our blind readers is explained as:

"Have you brought your wife with you (Have you got her with you)", with the response "No - my wife is at home (She's at home)".

Bookings for the speech therapy seminars to be held next Octember on Trent Bridge are almost full, with the head of every member country of the UN eager to learn how to use the Nottingham dialect. Huge Gintonic, the Chinese representative, declared "We are velly preased to rearn how to speak ploperly in this international ranguage". He said that he would immediately arrange for all Chinese Classics to be translated into Nottinghamese. As a way of explaining his ideas, he mentioned one of the Confucian sayings "Woman who cook meat and peas in same pot velly unhygienic".

Hiraly Crinton has been reported as taking private elocution from an eleven year old boy who had gained a fluent command of the dialect during three days of looking round the Robin Hood exhibition on Maid Marian Way. Hiraly is hoping to complete her lessons prior to her visit to China next week, after which she will make a priority of teaching a lesson or two to Obama.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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