Central London, an office overlooking a Starbuck's. Probably - This spoof reporter today met up with an insider from Cliff Maxford's PR empire who informed us that, Yorkshire Ripper Peter Scroteliffe had made 'certain undisclosed propositions' to the legendary PR Guru.
"Basically Scroteliffe wants Cliff to promote a positive image to the public of the Ripper, in order to assist him in his unceasing bids for parole," the insider told me.
At first, this reporter assumed that the insider was playing some elaborate hoax, but was assured that the details disclosed were indisputably accurate.
"Cliff sees it as the biggest challenge of his long and distinguished career, and he isn't quite convinced that he can come up with the goods. But he's mulling it over," the insider told me.
I had to consider that Cliff Maxford had indeed turned some of our most reviled 'personalities' into some of our most revered - not least his recent job on turning a reality show racist bitch into a caring, sharing, selfless, beatific figure and devoted mother, mainly on account of a terminal illness.
But The Yorkshire Ripper:
Murdered 13 women in the north of England in a particularly violent and repugnant manner, seriously injured and left for dead a further six unfortunate victims. He pleaded insanity at his Old Bailey trial. He made several unsuccessful escape attempts. He had the arrogance to insult the Krays, and got sliced up good and proper for it. And he has oft repeated that if released will kill again.
The insider then produced a spidery written note, seemingly from the Ripper himself, which stated:
'It's true that I was a bit naughty when I was younger. And since. Okay. I'll admit that. But for God's sake, people should learn to forgive and forget. Move on. Besides, if they do let me out so as I can murder and mutilate again, it'll be self financing. I swear I'll not claim t dole or owt. I'll make a fuckin fortune floggin that hammer on eyeBay!'
Maxford would appear to be on a hiding to nothing.
He should leave the Ripper to rot in a pile of his own excrement and get on with doing what he does best.
Like conning us all into believing that Girls Aloud are talented.
More as we get it