Former 'Big Brother' contestant and tabloid revenue-stream Jade Goody is to be beatified by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, it was announced today, in recognition of her tireless work to benefit race relations.
The move, which is the result of a concerted campaign by Max Clifford and The Beano Sun, will see 'The People's Chav' start her journey to sainthood within the next seven days.
In order to complete the transition to the status of saint, there will have to be three independently-verified miracles noted and recorded in her name. This Correspondent understands that the first of these has already been achieved, as it's an absolute miracle she gets as many column-inches as she does. Further miracles from St Jade of Essex are said to include her ability to generate revenue from multiple sources from absolutely no talent or intellect.
Cardinal Michael Godbotherer, spokesman for the Vatican, confirmed that the beatification process had started for 'an unpleasant Essex chav', but refused to provide more details. However, Doctor Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, praised Goody for her work in promoting racial harmony and Heat Magazine. He added, "the elevation of Jade Goody to sainthood is an important step in bringing the Church in line with modern life".
The announcement means that Goody, who has a terminal illness, will receive a State funeral in the Vatican upon her death. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Shilpa Shetty have already confirmed their attendance, and it is reported that Hello magazine have bought the photography rights for an undisclosed sum.