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Friday, 13 February 2009

image for Recession victims TV Cowell X-job op
TV teatime job offer for non-scum

Credit crunch job losers could find employment through a new TV series.

Simon Cowell, the Marquis of Granby, George Osborne and Les Dennis are to be judges in the new series of Britain's Got A Job.

"We are looking for real victims of the credit crunch with real sob stories for viewers to wank tears over, not some drug addled Scouse skivers," said Cowell.

Osborne said: "This is real opportunity to find people jobs. I can't wait for any dole layabouts to come on so we can rip them to shreads and show what Brown's Britain and the Blair generation have created."

Mass auditions of jobless will be held around the country with the panel mocking the useless and uneducated, and raising to sainthood those victims with marginally interesting stories.

Cowell smiled: "I'm dreaming of a gently-breasted girl-next-door with a dead or disabled soldier husband who has lost a job at Northern Rock or Halifax."

Those passing the auditions and the police check boot camp will face weekly public votes over who should get a job.

Contestants we face weekly job interviews for a variety of jobs - such as poll dancer, fireman, dogwalker, and cleaner - as well as physical challenges.

Cowell bronzed: "I can't wait for someone to struggle and say 'Simon I can't go on.' And I say 'Get out you waste of space, you deserve nothing'. Then they go 'yes you are right Simon, I wish I could be like you Simon. Thanks for the opportunity to breathe the same air as you'."

The Department for Work and Pensions has confirmed contestants will still be allowed to claim benefits as it will be deemed they are actively seeking work, "as well as entertaining millions", a spokesgrump said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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