What's it all about Alfie? As if all the bad weather wasn't enough, breaking news reveals that a three foot tall thirteen-year-old has sired a baby, who's a full foot taller than her father already!
Baby Daisy tipped the scales at a whopping 56lbs, approximately the exact weight of a 56lb sack of potatoes. The mother, 15 year old Chanteuse is reported to be 'a little cut up' by the birthing.
The story, which made the front pages of Britain's notorious 'red tops' featured photographs of mini-pop with his 56lb bouncing bundle of joy.
Enquiries regarding how the couple are going to support the outsized infant revealed that the doting parents haven't got much of a clue.
"I fink I'll learn to read," the proud father stated."Dat should get us off to a good start in life, innit?"
"He's brilliant," cooed momma Chanteuse, referring to little Alfie. "He's only thirteen and already he can wire up a plug."
Further investigations by spoof.com reporters discovered that the cooing couple come from a long line of wasters and benefit fraudsters, the last legitimate work by any member of either family having occurred in 1916, during the First World War, when Chanteuse's great-great-great-great grandad was shot for cowardice in Flanders.
"We're ever so proud of him," Chanteuse beamed.
Alfie was last seen going out to cash his giro before going on a shopping spree to buy the newborn some wicked trainers, a shell suit, and some hooded tops.
And an eighth of blow.
Quite frankly, we at the spoof.com were shocked by the casual acceptance by the public of a couple and their overlarge offspring living a lifetime on our hard-earned taxes.
"They come from Hastings you know," said an onlooker. "They're all one eye in the middle of the forehead merchants there. It's the inbreeding you know."
More as we get it
Alfie turned out not to be the father. Kind of pissed all over a funny story really. But there you go.
We promised updates, and we deliver. Even if it is shit.