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Friday, 13 February 2009

image for Government to Introduce 'Cohesion' Laws
Big Ben gets a make-over

Following the outcry over the Geert Wilders incident, the Government is to introduce new legislation to preserve social cohesion.

Under the terms of the new legislation, to be announced today, all references to Christianity and Atheism are to be banned, and the following new rules introduced:

* Public-sector workers who offer Christian prayers are to be removed from their posts;
* All Christian assemblies are to be banned, and all assemblies suspended until school halls are all redesigned to point to Mecca;
* All 'Atheist Bus' signs are to be removed as they are an incitement to religious hatred. They are to be replaced with non-offensive signs saying 'Allahu Akbar';
* The Queen's role as head of the Anglican Church and 'Defender of the Faith' is to be restructured, and will now be defined as 'Defender of Islam';
* Fast-food outlets to offer only Halal dishes.
* Any and all negative comment or discussion pertaining to Islam is to be banned under rules forbidding incitement of religious hatred. The only people allowed to preach hatred will now be Imams.

In a further development, it has been announced that Geert Wilders, the controversial and distasteful Dutch politician whose overblown, extreme and ugly anti-Islamic film 'Fitna' was the cause for his arrest at Heathrow Airport yesterday, is to be executed for apostasy. The beheading is to be carried out by Labour peer Lord Ahmed, who welcomed the Government announcement as 'a good day for Britain', and has vowed to amass 10,000 supporters of the new legislation to celebrate outside Parliament.

Speaking outside the Home Office, and wearing a burqa, Home Secretary Jacqui Beria said, "it is right that we introduce legislation to ensure social cohesion in these difficult times. I know that many people feel that extremist Islamists preach hatred and violence against the West, but we feel that rather than allow others to state their equally bigoted arguments, and have the whole lot torn apart by rational debate, it's better simply to concede to the extremists. Er. Insh'Allah. Yes."

Ms Beria added, "obviously this legislation does put some small inconvenience on moderate Muslims, ordinary Christians, atheists and normal people. But this Government believes that it's better to suppress free speech and argument than be like the Tories and stand up for free speech, even if what is being said is distasteful".

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