With over one hundred confirmed deaths, 50 people injured and twenty suspected anal brutalities, terrorised citizens of Essex plea "when will the madness end?"
These shocking statistics were released by Colchester's local police station yesterday after Flag pole related emergency calls went up by over 1500% in the last month.
It is believed by the local authorities that the flag pole incidents are directly related to the recent Biblical flooding of Essex causing terrified citizens to ascend the flag poles to escape the rising water levels.
Local Neighbourhood watch official Hugh Gecok responded to this statement with a hell like fury stating:
"You're wrong, 5 years ago there were only a few flag poles, merely outside churches, hospitals and some schools. Now you cant even leave your front door without some white trash skinhead erecting a 25" eyesore in his garden, I'm all for patriotism but at what cost? I have lost 3 children to flag pole related incidents this year alone! We, as a people, are scared and worried that if these vicious crimes continue to go unchecked then soon the flag poles will be unstoppable"
I spoke to a victim of one of the attacks, Mrs Sue Mee, who has graciously agreed to talk me through her life threatening encounter with the elongated chrome beast.
"Well... Uh, I was on my way home from my local pub, The Cock and Pussy, It was raining hard... so hard, and it was cold...Ya know, the kind of cold that makes you need a wee even if you have just been! So anyway I was on my way home, a rout i have taken literally 10's of times before when out of the blue a whacking great flag pole smacked me straight in the nose, I fell flat on my arse. I remember the fear in my heart as I looked up at the huge blinkered figure in front of me, so stark, so menacing. I did the only thing I could think of. I called the Police. They arrived in record time and rushed me straight to hospital where I was treated with two paracetamol and a cold compress, what was to become of the flag pole? Nothing! That's what! I was advised not to press charges as the flag pole was conceded "Non Human" Non human is right if you ask me! Bloody menace, what can be done?"
The issue of flag poles being classed as Human is a touchy one as Government officials are to vote on referendum 1235b allowing all flag poles to be tried as British citizens.
Chief of Police Yuan Hussami had this to say: "F~~k a duck! Its bloody mental! I don't get paid enough to deal with all the regular human attacks let alone the numerous flag pole attacks now conceded a police matter, broken noses, sore foreheads, lightening strikes. Ill tell you this for free, this country is going to the Poles"
In a strange turn of events this statement has caused outrage within the polish government sparking a heated debate over the use of the word "Poles" as a derogatory term to not only the Polish but Flagpoles aswell.
Flagpole maker John Da' Club fears the worst.