The government has announced that the channel tunnel is to be closed immediately. Amid furious scenes in the House of Commons, Tony Blair made the announcement after The Daily Mail claimed that a previously unknown strain of rabies had reached Britain via the tunnel. The Mail blames this virulent disease - which it has traced to the dog of a black Slovakian Jewish gypsy with a wooden leg - for the breakdown of family values, rampant anti-social behaviour, spiralling crime, binge drinking, and England's last-minute defeat by France in Euro 2004.
The journalist who wrote the story claimed his source could not be produced because he has been raving and slavering at the mouth since he gave his story to the Mail. "He should join the Labour Party," quipped The Mail's man, displaying the incisive wit we have come to expect from that learned organ.
We asked if the immigrant in question had the proper documentation. The reporter replied that the immigrant had been told that this was not required when he was put in the oil drum.
At PM's questions, Michael Howard accused Blair of yet again being soft on Europe "Closing the tunnel is nothing like enough; it should be blown up without delay. We warned that building this tunnel would have drastic consequences, and we have been proved correct. When we are back in power, we will build a tunnel to America instead." Blair reminded Howard that the tunnel had been built when his party was in power, and accused the opposition leader of childishness, to which Howard retorted "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
Lib-Dem leader, Charles Kennedy, suggested the PM was suffering from some sort of disease himself if he took seriously a crackpot story from the Alf Garnett Gazette. At this point, the member for North Antrim (Ian Paisley) bellowed "The Daily Mail is the best-selling newspaper among the loyalist people who elected me, you wee socialist runt! " Kennedy sat down with a rapturous grin on his face.