Government officials have spoken out about their worry of the possible effects of reclassifying ecstacy to a Class B controlled substance. As a result The Home Office has stated that, despite the recommendations of the government's top drug advisors, the substance will not be reclassified.
The Home Office's spokesperson, when quizzed about the decision, stated that "These are the opinions of the most knowledgeable people we employ on the subject, experts in their field, whose results and findings are totally unbiased and are based on cold, rational thinking and facts. There's simply no way we're going to listen to them."
"Ancecdotal evidence and heresay in the press, along with uninformed public opinion based on this evidence, is a far better metric for government policy-making. Did you know that about 30 deaths per year are linked with ecstasy use? That's almost as many as people who die fallling off ladders."
The spokesperson added that an official advisory board on the use of ladders had recently concluded that they were, in essence, safe to use. As such the Home Office will be re-assesing the legality of possessing a ladder with the view to enforcing a new "Ladder License".
"We're just trying to cover our backs and protect the public", the spokesperson continuted. "The worst-case scenario is for ladder uses to start using ecstasy. The truth is that from now on we consider the ownership of a ladder to be a gateway to substance abuse. We have to do our bit to stop this."
When The Spoof provided the Home Office with survey results suggesting that 1 in 10 adults had taken ecstasy or MDMA in their lifetimes, and that almost 500,000 people a week take the drug, they replied simply with "CRIMINALS!".