Written by Roy Turse
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Monday, 9 February 2009

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Spam waste

For years we've just thrown it away. But have you ever stopped to think what harm discarded Spam emails could be doing to the environment?

Well a new initiative by the government has decided to address the problem. They claim that with 95% of e-mails now estimated to be Spam, the UK's Spam mountain is vast.

In a joint statement Hilary Benn and Lord Mandleson announced a series of steps to deal with the issue. They say that landfill is not an option because of the vast quantities involved and the potential environmental impact. It can take over a century for industrial-grade Spam to decompose. Incineration, even in modern high-temperature facilities, creates greenhouse gasses, and there is also the problem of how to dispose of the highly toxic ash residue.

That leaves recycling as the only viable alternative. Using sophisticated software it is possible to extract the individual elements of the Spam and then re-use them in standard documents and files. The government call the new system 'SpamCycling'. We will all be able to e-mail our Spam on a fortnightly basis to Lord Mandleson's department, and they will carry out the Spamcycling on our behalf, rehashing the content into government white papers, expense claims, etc.

We will of course be required to sort the Spam into sections; 'Copy Watches', 'Financial Scams', 'Penis Enlargement' and so on. And those people who do not yet have broadband internet connections will simply be able to fax their Spam to a Whitehall number, or leave it out with their wheely-bin. However, with everyone doing their bit, the scourge of email Spam Waste can be controlled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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