Tony Blair has sensationally turned his back on his quest to become Pope, in order to return to public office within the Gordon Brown's beleaguered government.
"The one-eyed Scottish idiot is making a real hash of things", smirked a jubilant Tony to the assembled crowd of acolytes and sycophants. "Even I want to throw a shoe at him!" he smarmily joked.
"Truth be told, Barack (Obama) has been on the phone and pleaded with me to help him save the world from complete financial ruin" and I could hardly say no."
"He (Obama) is less than happy with Gordon's general demeanour, and calls him 'That Miserable Limey Raincloud". I must admit, while I was in office, I hardly ever saw him. I knew he was in, next door at Number 11, as I could hear him bumping into furniture - he used to keep the lights switched off - "Prudence", he called it. Downright skinflinty tightwad more like!"
"And so, due to overwhelming pressure, just like Jesus Christ did before me, I have returned. I realise that God is going to feel badly let down, but I will, I promise, become the Holy Pontiff, just as soon as I get the world's finances back in order."
Number 10 was unavailable for comment last night. The house was in darkness, but a sullen muttering could be heard from within.
An angry and disappointed God unleashed a mighty rainstorm that fell as a plague of frogs on the House of Egypt. "Oh, that's just bloody great", said Mustapha Kamir of 23 Pyramid Terrace, Cairo. "I'd just put the washing out."