The Government has announced that all pensioners over the age of eighty five are to be given free PC equipment.
A spokesman for the government said "Quite frankly these old folks are letting the side down when it comes to improving our level of computer ownership. Unless something is done the UK is likely to fall behind Chad in the older people IT league table."
The lucky pensioners will be required to visit a training centre in Wales for two months to learn how to use their new equipment. They will be taught just the essentials, how to order online shopping and surf for suitable porn.
These travel expenses will not be refunded by the government.
Help the aged said the idea was "ok" but indicated that money might be better spent on extra heating.
The Government poo pooed this thought saying that when they get typing their little fingers will generate enough heat to keep them warm.
The package includes a tower, monitor, keyboard, mouse, printer and video games kit.
Old Mrs Jones on the corner said " What a F**king waste of time. What time is LK today on?"