Written by IainB
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Monday, 2 February 2009

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Give us some DNA

The UK in conjunction with the European Union have made it illegal to obtain DNA without consent.

In the past criminals have been caught after leaving a coffee cup or cigarette butt behind after an interview. This will no longer be an acceptable way to convict despicable murderers. In addition, secretly taking DNA from suspected fathers or possible children will also be illegal, and all DNA profiling paternity requests will have to come with a consent form signed by the party being tested.

This has opened up new ways to obtain DNA from criminals. As sex has to be consensual anyway, female police officers are now receiving DNA in a more intimate way. Undercover vice squad officers have been relocated to the areas frequented by suspected criminals.

A flourishing industry in forged consent forms has also reopened the covert DNA collection for paternity suits, with the theory being that the consent form would only be challenged after the news is made public, the person not knowing anything about it until it is a fait accompli. This means that it is too late to put the information away.

"As far as criminal profiling goes," said DI Phil Inns, "The only winners here are the criminals. Which is insane. I don't care about the Paternity Suit aspect, it doesn't affect me. Apart from Barbara in accounts who's been trying to get some more of my DNA since she gave birth."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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