Written by Laurence Harvey
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Topics: Snow

Monday, 2 February 2009

image for Snow creates chaos across the UK
Terrible conditions across the UK

Britain faces paralysis today as ¼" of snow (about 1cm) fell overnight and actually settled in some places.

"I came out to find some snow on my car this morning," said Major Ian Clement, "it was truly shocking."

Near Arctic temperatures of -1C gripped the country and caused chaos on the roads.

"I was driving to the post office to get my pension this morning, and almost drove through some snow - it could have been a deathtrap, I don't know why the council don't do something about it. We had the same thing in 1991." said Major Ian Clement (yes the same one, not many people out to vox-pop interview this morning, sorry).

Public transport also came to a standstill as Health and Safety officials deemed the conditions to be too risky to public transport workers and the public and all buses and trains across the country lay at a standstill in their depots.

"Our prime goal is the health and safety of workers and the public," said Mr Upmicrak, Regional Director of the UK Health and Safety Executive. "Of course a lot of people will be forced to drive to work or even walk, possibly increasing the accident rate, especially with people slipping on the snowy pavements…I hadn't really thought all that through at the time.... but…well... there's not much I can do about that now, and I retire in July, so I'll be gone long before any cases come to court anyway."

Scientists were quick to put the unusual weather conditions down to 'global warming'. "Its consistent with the models," said Professor Gravitrayne of the West Ham Climate Institute of Climate Change. "To put it simply, we run the figures through this computer program, which attempts to correlate the data with the probability that we will get funding for climate research next year and reports any positive correlations. Amazingly year on year we are seeing an increase in probability of funding coupled with all kinds of weather - snow, ice, rain, floods, you name it. If that's not conclusive proof of 'global warming' then I don't know what is. I really don't."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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