Written by Skoob1999
Print this
Topics: Drugs, Anarchy, Chaos, Oldham

Sunday, 1 February 2009

image for Oldham Drug Dealer Offers 'All You Can Handle For A Fiver ' Deal - Chaos Ensues.
Police Vans Parked Outside The Tandoori House On Friday.

Oldham, UK - On Friday night, Oldham drug dealer Billy J Whizz offered local junkies as much gear as they could handle for a one-off promotional price of a fiver for all you can handle between the hours of ten pm and two am.

Local drug users flocked to Whizz's council property eager to take him up on the offer.

At first, the operation appeared to be running relatively smoothly, but after a half hour or so it became obvious to observers things were about to get seriously out of hand as customers started showing up in force to take advantage of the offer from as far afield as London, Glasgow, Amsterdam, and Paris.

It was the opinion of observers that news of the offer had been passed around via a social networking website.

Before too long, things started to get pretty chaotic as people got ripped to the tits.

One man, believed to have taken copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs climbed up onto a garden shed roof and hurled himself into a skip.

An alleyway close by Whizz's residence was clogged by heroin addicts crashed out on the floor with needles sticking out of their arms, many of them allegedly babbling incoherently and drooling.

Police arrived shortly thereafter, but were unable to stop the Five Pound All You Can Use Drug Promotion when they were confronted by a gang of psychotic crackheads and forced to retreat to a local Tandoori restaurant.

One belaboured copper told us:

"We were forced to retreat here for our own safety. Those crackheads can cut up pretty flipping nasty.The plan now is that we hole up in here for a couple of hours, maybe have a jalfrezi or a rogan josh with a couple of naan breads and a pint or six, then we'll go back out there and mop up the wreckage."

A neighbour of Mr Whizz complained that his labrador dog had been subjected to sexual abuse during the course of the promotion.

"She's devastated," he told us. "Where is the law when all this chaos and anarchy and stuff is going on? They're stuffing their fat bloody guts down the Tandoori House as usual. It's a bloody disgrace."

More as we get it.

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 plus 4?

7 11 6 22
46 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more