Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Police, Britain

Wednesday, 16 June 2004

image for Speed cameras - the unofficial police policy
Sign of the fines

Britain's speed camera policy has reached a new level of controversy.

After exclusive revelations on ‘The Spoof' website that the Government's secret agenda is to maintain, or even increase, road accidents, comes the shock disclosure that police authorities across Britain have drawn up a ‘shopping list' on the rate of speeding convictions.

A memo now being openly circulated to Chief Constables states: "Everyone nicked means more dosh in the kitty."

And there's a tally on the anticipated extra fines:

20 convictions - Annual golf club membership

40 convictions - Divisional Christmas party

50 convictions - Divisional Christmas party with lap dancers

70 convictions - Four-day golfing break for senior staff in Eire

90 convictions - Four-day golfing break with lap dancers.

The memo urges every Constabulary to adopt the motto ‘The fine is mine' and points out that 150-plus convictions could mean the Home Office releasing extra funds for one new officer on the beat.

Extending the country's speed camera presence to every 25 yards from John O' Groats to Land's End has also had a positive knock-on effect for business.

Share prices in Boots, Tesco and Supasnaps have rocketed with an anticipated 23,000,000 rolls of film being handed in for processing every day for the one-hour turnaround service.

Royal Mail also predicts dramatic growth but is fearful of the impact the camera policy will have on its own transport fleet.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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