NHS bosses today convened an extraordinary meeting following what can only be described as an epidemic of septic finger outbreaks on Merseyside.
"The red half of Merseyside is bricking it," hospital administrator Wack McSoflaar told us. "Reds are biting their nails in record numbers because if Man U win the league this year they'll draw level with Liverpool on eighteen titles, which is a prospect worse than death for Liverpool fans.
"They're biting their nails so badly that infections are setting in. Sometimes, in extreme cases it gets almost to the knuckle."
A Manchester United fan, who wished to remain anonymous told us:
"These muppets think they're in with a shout of winning the league. Now they've been overtaken by United they're crapping themselves. The truth is that they'd rather Everton win the league than United, or even Chelsea, Arsenal, or the Villa, but that's not gonna happen. It's gonna be United again, and we'll love it, love it, I tell you. Eighteen apiece. Carry on biting your fingers in anxiety you sad excuses for individuals."
Doctor Wilhelm Goebbels told us that what was happening to Liverpool supporters was symptomatic of a well established institution which fails when the going gets tough.
"When it fails, bite your nails," he told us.
Hence the mass outbreak of septic finger.
The Manchester United fan who wished to remain anonymous told us:
"I'm not surprised they're bricking it. We come, we see, we conquer, we kick ass. 5-0 away at West Brom. We gonna fuck you where you breathe, you Scouse scum."
"Oh, and by the way, Rafa's cracking up."
Whilst this reporter totally remains utterly and absolutely neutral, he does concede that the Manchester United fan does have a point.
More as we get it.