The International Monetary Fund today released its latest damning figures, with Britain showing as worst-placed to endure the global economic downturn.
The startling report by the IMF states baldly that the UK economy will contract by 2.8% in 2009, and eventually stutter to a faltering 0.2% in 2010.
Economic Analyst Lotta Cashcountin of the IMF said, "whichever way you look at it, the UK's buggered. It's up shit creek, and their idiot PM sold off the paddles long ago. Most countries can fall back on their current account surplus or gold reserves, but the UK hasn't got any of that left, so we are regretfully downgrading the UK's status now, with the prospect of a further downgrade to 'Fucked' by the third Quarter if needed".
The IMF's gloomy statement was dismissed by Prime Mentalist Gibbon Brown who, while acknowledging the UK is in a deep recession, said (again) that he was getting on with the jobbie of protecting hard-working British families in these difficult times, and again attacked the Tories for 'doing nothing' - despite the fact that the opposition can't actually do anything because they're THE OPPOSITION.
Mr Brown then again insisted that the IMF was wrong, he was right, and that the UK was the best-placed country to handle the recession. He added, "I'll show you! I'll show you all! You think I'm mad, don't you - I'll show you who's mad!!", and cackled insanely before having to be restrained by Parliamentary aides.
A Treasury spokesman rejected the IMF reports, saying that the Government was planning to announce a new bailout package to bail out the embattled Bank of England. No information was forthcoming on where the money is coming from.