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Tuesday, 27 January 2009

image for Darling to use RBS cash machines in quantitative easing
Happy slappy cash machines to roger money into sinking economy

Alistair Darling is to start using RBS cash machines to put quantitative easing in place.

The BBC's Robert Peston reports the Treasury is drawing up plans to pump more money into the economy through lucky cash machines.

On average, according to the plans, £2.33 extra will be issued for every £100 withdrawn at RBS machines.

Special lucky quantitative notes - or Quanti* bills - worth £12 will issued at random to customers throughout March.

The special notes can either be sold to international collectors, the Bobby Peston's Treasury source reports, or used to buy vegetables at Waitrose.

Low income families and single mothers will allowed to buy Amber Leaf rolling tobacco, Mayfair cigarettes and reasonably strong lager, after pressure from Labour backbenchers.

Jeremy Kyle, spokesperson for the Bank of England, said: "This is nonsense. If anyone should be allowed to give out special cash it should be us, not some bankrupt whiskey addled Scots.

"Mervyn King will fight them."

Liam Bumface, Treasury spokesman, said; "We are looking at a number of options, and will not comment on any.

"Off the record, just for your background knowledge though, yes, we will start printing the Lucky Quanti* Sterling notes with pictures of Alistair and Gordon playing the banjo next week."

Sally McMegaBurgar at RBS said: "I don't know what's happening. They won't tell us anything.

"Just ask the Treasury and we say the same."

In total £1.6 trillion will be pushed face first into the economy through the lucky cash points.

Tory shadow chancellor Georgie Osborne welcomed the move.

"It is only a shame the government did not take on our policy early. This is too little too late.

"It also discriminates against us not used to using such currency mechanised telling machines.

"Special lucky notes must also be available at Coutts for my auntie Fanny."

Liberal Democrat Treasury spokesman Vincent Cable urged the government to nationalise money.

The Treasury is expected to nationalise money in the autumn.

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