London - (Russ/Ross Mess): Comic TV actor Andrew Sachs has disinherited granddaughter Georgina 'Satanic Sluts' Baillie for subjecting the family to the lurid Russell Brand shagging farce.
Baillie's Daily Screws intimate blow-by-blow revelations "made Grandma Melody horribly queasy", Sachs explained, "especially the bits about fisting and the jar of organic Marmite."
The couple were gobsmacked at their granddaughter turning out to be such a sordid kiss-n-tell trollop, particularly after they'd lavished a small fortune on educating her at a prestigeous Swiss finishing school for proper young ladies.
"She got fifty grand for that paper interview," Sachs complained bitterly, "and not once did she plug my new 'Best of Andrew Sachs' DVD while she had the chance.
"There's gratitude for you."
Jonatahn Ross is 69.