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Monday, 19 January 2009

Israeli forces last night began a bombardment of Manchester, killing at least 3000 Mancunians, including many hundreds of women and children. By 2am today, they had taken control of the City Of Manchester Stadium, saying they intended to install Avram Grant as manager.

Whilst there is no suggestion that Grant supported the bombings, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has indicated that he believes him to be the best man to take the club forward in a way non threatening to Jews.

Olmert defended the decision to launch the attack. In a press conference, he said, "We regret the killing of innocent civilians, but this is the Arab's fault for funding a football club in a civilian area. We only attacked housing estates known to harbour those people who joyfully turned up at City matches sporting a tea towel on their heads. Whilst under Arab control, the club knowingly threatened the welfare of Tottenham Hotspur by bidding for Craig Bellamy in direct opposition to Tottenham. We cannot allow this to happen."

Outgoing US president George W Bush said he hoped a ceasefire could be agreed, but only on Israel's terms. Prime Minister Gordon Brown declared a state of emergency, saying "I have seen documentaries on the holocaust. I cannot condemn the Israeli action."

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