Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 17 January 2009

image for Russell Brand Says That Champagne, Flowers And Chocolates Are Not The Way To A Woman's Heart
Pie And Peas Equal Russell Brand Tickets At The Cow And Cunt, Brighouse, On Valentine's Day.

Alleged comedian, and lying low in the US comedy scapegoat Russell Brand this morning revealed to this reporter that the secret to having your wicked way with two thousand plus women lay not in plying them with champagne, flowers, and Belgian chocolates, but in something altogether different.

"It's obvious really," Brand told us as he chugged down some freshly squeezed orange juice on the terrace of his luxury La La Land Hotel. "Women want a little tenderness, they'd much rather be approached from the penile angle.

"With furious vigour. Women like that kind of thing, although they'll rarely admit it."

Brand then broke off for a moment as he lit a Marlsboro Light with a light, and appeared to become quite emotional as he continued:

"I'm not really the best example as a consultant regarding what women go for. My penis isn't really anything to shout about, and my hair is a mess. Maybe that's why only six of the two thousand plus women I've slept with ever came back for more.

"But I was enjoying a reasonable degree of career progression until Jonathon Ross came along, and Manuel off Fawlty Towers.

"The fucking bastards."

* Russell Brand will be appearing at 'The Cow And Cunt' public house (capacity 39) at Brighouse, Yorkshire on St Valentine's Day.

Tickets available at the bar.

A pair of tickets free with each purchase of pie and peas.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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