Written by General Payne
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Topics: Poo, Farting, Drowning

Sunday, 11 January 2009

A Father of three from Kingswood in Kent has drowned himself whilst using a bizarre home made mask he developed specifically for smelling his own farts.

Clifford Shellbreaker who lived in a bungalow off Gravelly Bottom Road had a strange fascination for making culinary cocktails tailored specifically to create the most pungent farts. He would develop new recipes and then sit in his garden shed wearing a specially modified WW2 gas mask so that he could enjoy the full experience of his art.

The filter of the mask had been sealed and a pipe extended to a pair of plastic incontinence pants. Mr Shellbreaker would guff into the pants and the smell would travel along the pipe straight into the mask so he could enjoy the totally undiluted benefit.

His wife explained that soon after they were married she made him an egg and cress sandwich. Shortly afterwards he began farting. She recalled that the smell made her retch. Her husband thought this was funny and he then developed a fascination for cooking up all kinds of recipes to find out what sort of farts and smells he could create. After their first child was born and the house was "stinking" she banned him to the garden shed where for the last 21 years he has been enjoying the fruits of his labour.

Kent County Coronor returning a verdict of accidental death said that "at 5.15pm on Sunday 14th December 2008 Mr Shellbreaker had consumed his latest recipe which had contained Whisky, Brown ale, baked beans, boiled eggs, curry powder, Tobasco sauce, Cabbage, sprouts and onions plus several as yet unidentified ingredients". He continued, "At 6.30pm he told his wife he was retiring to his shed". At 10.00pm she realised he had not returned and on entering his shed found his body slumped in his chair. Unfortunately the smell of his farts had rendered him unconscious. Tragically, he then he followed through with diarrhoea that filled the mask and sadly drowned himself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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