Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Britain, british

Monday, 14 June 2004

image for No pasta please, we're British
Flagging up a change in the UK

The ‘Back Britain' campaign has bounced back.

Nearly four decades after UK shoppers were asked to wrap the Union Jack around their trolleys, the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is determined to put the ‘Great' back into Britain and on to the dinner table

In addition to the much publicised manifesto pledge to seal off the Channel Tunnel, UKIP has now revealed its ‘Back to Basics' plan that covers:

Pasta - Pasta will face a massive tax hike and is to be removed from all school menus and replaced with King Edward potatoes.

Pizza - Everything from the Hawaiian to the Chorizo will be replaced with the traditional ‘Ploughman's Lunch' but with extra chutney.

Wine - Special import licences will mean an average bottle could cost as much as £150. Home produced scrumpy, real ale and gin will be heavily subsidised.

Cheese - No more ‘runny French stuff' can be imported with all shelf space going to British favourites like Red Leicester, Stilton and Wensleydale.

Sausages - There can only be one… the British banger, fried not grilled.

A UKIP spokesman dismissed rumours that the Party's agenda included re-opening all the mills in the industrial heartlands and forcing children to work a 12-hour day climbing up chimneys.

"If we could re-open the mines, we'd consider it," he admitted, "but the main thrust of our approach is that Johnny Foreigner needs to get back across the Channel and take his garlic with him.

"This country enjoyed its greatest period when we lived in Splendid Isolation; the only way we should go into Europe is how we did it 60 years ago - by landing craft."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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