Dr. Sigmund Scrunt, Head of Pathology at the NHS-affiliated PFI company Organs-R-Us, says more people need to donate their brains to medical research if cures for diseases like Athlete's Foot and Galloping Dandruff are to be found.
Dr. Scrunt explained in an interview with Rupert Minge, neurosurgery correspondent for the Gardening Weekly, that research is being hampered by a gross shortage of brains and his organisation is urging healthy people as well as those with brain disorders to become donors.
"We don't really care if the donor is dead or still alive, as long as the brain tissue is fresh," Dr. Scrunt emphasised. "I'm not concerned if the brain is from a member of Mensa or a primary school dropout lacking the IQ to wipe his, or her, own arse.
"We had a regular supply of Falun Gong and general prison population criminal brains from China until recently. Very interesting material to study when a brain's been fuelled on nothing but rice all its life.
"However, the greedy Chinese black marketeers have upped the ante and our meagre NHS research grants won't cover the costs. It's cheaper for us to sign up donors here in the UK now this great recession's kicked in and everybody's short of a few bob."
Organs-R-Us brain donor posters have been appearing in employment centres, welfare offices and branches of Woolworths across the country recently.
Harry Shipman, a community service officer at Smegmadale-on-Sea's Skidrow Sands Council Estate, has been rounding up volunteer donors for Dr. Scrunt's company from among the local homeless hardcore rhubarb addicts.
"They be allright, yer know. Ain't got two braincells ter rub tergether ter start with.
"This 'ere medical research bunch of cunts pay ready cash fer the brains an' I gets £20 fer bringin' 'em round an' getting' 'em ter sign up."
"But they be okay after like, yer know, as they can still get down ter th' Jobcentre and th' DSS office an' what-'ave yer to claim their benefits like, an' all that good shit.
"In fact there's two or three of 'em who seem smarter after 'avin' their brains removed. Sez a lot for modern science, don't it, eh.
"Bin thinkin' of 'avin' th' wife done too. She's bin brain dead fer years anyways an' twenty quid buys a few pints don't it like, an' a bob fer th' 'orses too."