Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 6 January 2009

image for Twelfth Night Policing
Get that tree down. NOW!

Greater Manchester Police have announced the formation of a new squad within the force, called the Twelfth Night Squad.

This squad will be responsible for trawling around the neighbourhoods of Greater Manchester looking for Christmas Decorations and Christmas Trees that have not been taken down by the 6th of January.

"We're especially looking for people who still have the exterior decorations," said Detective Inspector Phil Inns. "Some of the displays are bawdy and in poor taste with more lights than a chemical plant in Runcorn. We will not accept simply turning them off, they must be taken down, or else the owners might turn them back on when we're not looking."

In addition, they will be ensuring that all Christmas trees are removed from porches and lounges across the Greater Manchester Conurbation, performing spot checks where necessary.

It is not clear what punishment will be meted out to offenders who have not removed their decorations, but it is believed to be some kind police harassment of the culprits.

"We'll make their lives hell," said DI Inns. "It's the least we can do. After all, we wouldn't want a Greater Manchester version of that nut in Wiltshire, Andy 'Mr Christmas' Park. God forbid."

Catholic churches are exempt from the new legislation in order to use the crib scenes for Epiphany. However, they won't be protected from the twelfth night imps who will deliver misfortune to the churches of England.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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