Written by Gurmeet Mattu
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Monday, 5 January 2009

image for Haggisburgers Are Coming
One bite, and you're hooked

Glaswegian fast-food magnate, Ronnie MacDonald (no relation), has predicted that his latest culinary invention, the haggisburger, will revolutionise take-away eating throughout the world.

"The haggisburger is coming," he declared proudly, "and will wipe the floor with fish and chips, curry, pizza and every other kind of grub out there. Haggis is tasty and nutritious and only makes you fart a wee bit. The recipe I'm using is a traditional haggisburger one, handed down through my family since last Tuesday."

Fellow Glaswegian chef, Gordon Ramsay, said, "Fuck me, but Ronnie makes a mean haggisburger. I mean, fuck me, it's the best since Rabbie Burns gave up cooking and took up pottery."

The haggisburger is not served on the traditional sesame-seed burger bun, but rather on a Scottish bannock made with barley flour and added concrete.

"It's man food," Ronnie said, "The Scottish Highlanders of old, big brawny men that they were, would often have a haggisburger at the Highland games before they tossed their caber. I will be opening haggisburger joints throughout Europe, America and Japan, because I know your wee Japanese fella especially likes tossing his caber."

MacDonald confirmed that employees selling haggisburgers would be required to wear the kilt, but that the sporran would be worn on the hip, rather than in front.

"We canny have the laddies getting their sporran on the hotplate. You wouldn't want a bit of sporran in your haggisburger. Sporrans are for keeping your loose change in, not eating. Mind you, a sporranburger, that's an idea."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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