Accrington, Lancashire - As we speak, alien attack ships have opened fire on Accrington ,Lancashire with laser beams, death rays and sonic eardrum blasters.
Reports are also coming in of alien starships disgorging hordes of little grey alien footsoldiers armed with ray guns in an unprecedented ground assault.
The skies above Accrington glow red and yellow from innumerable fires and laser beams.
Down in the streets, chaos rules as brave Accringtonians fight back with any weapon at their disposal. These tough northern folk are putting up fierce resistance, with women reportedly hurling pots and pans at the invaders and local youths engaging them in furious and often bloody fistfights.
The legendary Accrington Market was the scene of some of the fiercest clashes, with locals revved up on black puddings and tripe laying into the invaders with awesome ferocity.
Ahead of us a bus is in flames in the street and a local lad is hitting a little grey alien with a big stick.
This is just getting far too dangerous and we fear we may have to withdraw any second now.
It's absolute chaos.
'It's not right this,' a local youth told us. 'First they mothball the brickworks and now we get invaded by aliens. It's just not right.'
We have heard that a delegation of Men In Black from Salford are on their way to sort things out but as yet there is no sign of their arrival.
Meanwhile, Accrington remains a war zone.
We're out of here.
More when we can scrape up the courage.