Ballybollox Castle, Scotland - (Festive Fisting Mess): The UK media is all agog at recently released pictures of a 'simple Highland crack dealing den' on the Old Queen Mum's former Birkhall estate.
The hut is where Koo Stark's bastard spawn Kate Middleton and a battalion of MoD gender re-orientation psychologists are starting the onerous task of hypnotising the Pretender's 'son' William into full-blown heterosexuality.
William, 26, began the gender re-assignment procedure campaign last December by growing a manly beard.
This was followed up with a series of sleep-learning therapies using rectal implants containing Middleton's pheromones, a simple Ecstasy compound and 'the hair of Pavlov's dog.'
The young royal wastrel's KGB handler meanwhile is cooking up a new Plutonium-210 recipe for Wills to present to his tribute act Grandmama as a belated Yuletide present.
The Russian Orthodox Christmas is on January 7th.