Written by blastednews
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Topics: Fireworks

Monday, 5 January 2009

image for Fumbling Firework Farce Finally Fades

Firework shop "Bang and a Whimper" have announced they will be closing down their Fullham branch down next month due to flimsy sales. The specialist firework retailer is now a ticking time bomb set to explode and evaporate from history. Jonathan Reedman said "We havent sold a bloody thing all year, not even a solitary sodding sparkler. When Halloween did eventually arrive we were far too ill-prepared to cope with it all to be honest. And don't get me started on Christmas or New Year - I'm still dealing with back orders from October".

Business troubleshooter Gerry Robinson visited the ailing company last month for the TV program "Can Gerry Robinson Fix the Faltering Firework Farce". Gerry said "How these cretins ever expected to succeed is mystifying. What kind of cretinous event would warrant a firework display in the middle of March anyway? And why open 81 more branches across the country before the first one has even turned a profit for f*** sake?"

Gerry is worried that an increasing number of British businesses have now become far too specialised to succeed. The upmarket restaurant chain "Afters" specialised solely in deserts until just recently. Fortunately Gerry brokered a successful merger with "Mains" the independent electrical supplier, so if you now order two slices of strawberry cheesecake you get a free box of electric to take away.

The merged company have also informed their customers not to worry about over-paying their electric bill because they will make up the difference in custard pies.

The shoe shop "Hefty Lefties" in Darwin have finally managed to become profitable despite specialising in steel toe capped boots for the left foot only. The company nearly folded after a potentially devastating fire broke out in their warehouse. Fortunately Gerry Robinson managed to piss on the blaze from a large crane saving the business from ruin. The future may not sound quite as rosy for the "Bang and a Whimper" though. Nevertheless the employees remain upbeat, promising to celebrate the closure the only way they know how, with a fantastic firework display of all remaining stock left unsold.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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