Written by Kozmik Ken
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Sunday, 4 January 2009

image for Cowell Delighted as UK's Final Non-celebrity is Found
Reg returns from a shopping trip.

The UK's final non-celebrity has been found, living an unassuming life in an ex-mining village in South Yorkshire. TV production companies had long suspected that there was at least one 'talent' that remained undiscovered and months of painstaking research have finally unearthed him.

Andy Warhol once said that in the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. With a swarth of 'Reality TV' and 'Star-Maker' shows filling the schedules over recent years, making minor celebrities out of every single UK citizen in every city, town and village in the land, it seems that his prediction has now become a reality.

Reg Sykes, an 58 year old retired miner from Grimethorpe in South Yorkshire, is Britain's last remaining non-celebrity, until today. As hungry news crews and photographers massed outside Reg's modest home, he gave us his first ever interview.

"I thought that my chance would never come," said Reg, "at my age I presumed that fame had passed me by. I was growing sick of being pointed at in the street and hearing people whisper, 'who's that?' Now I can be like everybody else!"

Increasingly desperate to find new celebrities, teams of production company researchers scoured pubs, clubs, shopping centres, sports stadiums and entertainment venues to sign up fresh camera fodder. Most notorious of these was Louis Walsh's press gangs. Known to use violence, they would prowl dark alley ways outside nightclubs and colleges, preying on adolescent males who would be dragged away for a 'make-over' and pressed into service in the Irish overlord's boy bands.

Attempts have been made by some to evade celebrity status. One group known as the 'Crusaders for Obscurity' retreated to a remote Scottish Island to escape the cameras. However, their attempt failed when they became the subject of a Louis Theroux documentary.

A Cardiff woman thought that she had escaped fame until she accidentally danced on ice at her local rink, to find that a camera crew and panel of judges were recording a TV show.

Anti-celebrity protesters all became celebrities themselves, when they were filmed on a demonstration and broadcast on You've Been Framed. One protester tripped and fell, causing a domino effect that hilariously toppled the whole assembled demo.

It seemed that there was no one left to 'discover', until today.

Simon Cowell commented, "I'm absolutely delighted that we've found Reg and I'm looking forward to dashing his hopes on the next series of Britain's Got Talent."

When asked what he planned to do with his newly found celebrity status, Reg replied. "the same as everybody else I guess. I'll bask in it while it lasts, then spend the rest of my life desperately trying to cling onto it by appearing on increasingly benal celebrity TV programmes and cookery shows."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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