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Topics: The Spoof, Police

Sunday, 13 June 2004

image for PSNI to be issued one of a kind "humane" weapons.
These new weapons will end this display of aggressive force

It has been revealed to the spoof today that as part of the ongoing reforms of the police in Northern Ireland, under the Good Friday Agreement, the police are to be issued new weapons.

It was feared by many that due to the Patten report stating the police was to be demilitarised, it would mean that the police would become ineffective in protecting the public. However, at the ongoing GFA Review, concessions were made by Sinn Fein who agreed to the PSNI being issued "humane" weapons.

At a press conference earlier today, the chief constable, Hugh Orde, revealed to the media the new weapons that will be supplied to officers as of an undisclosed date.

The standard issue side arm is to be ousted in favour of the fair more "humane" Super soaker "liquidator model, it is believed that with the range and the constant high pressure stream that comes out of the weapons, crime rates will come crashing down when the weapons are seen in action. Along with the side arm, the truncheon will also be replaced, with a comic inflatable version. It is hoped criminals will fear the harsh squeaking noise it makes upon contact.

These new weapons will join other humane changes such as banning of use of plastic bullets and heating up the water and turning down the pressure of the mobile water cannon. Sinn Fein believe that once all changes are incorporated, it will herald the beginning of a new public confidence in the police.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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