Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Scots, Scottish

Sunday, 13 June 2004

image for Scots hit the self-destruct button
A Scottish fitness instructor yesterday

The Scottish nation is tottering on the brink of extinction.

That's the finding of St Andrews University's Professor David Wylie whose socio-medical research reveals this innovative race could be wiped out in a single generation.

And the root cause seems to be a sub-conscious ‘mortal embarrassment' at the world's inability to "get oot their heids" at every given chance.

The Scots have already taken massive strides in this self-inflicted genocide - a journey that began in the 18th century with the Highland Clearances as thousands of grudge-bearing clansmen scattered across the globe in search of drink.

Scotland already leads the world with:

* 56 out of 57 of the most common cancers
* Highest percentage of smokers under the age of 10
* Most daily alcoholic units consumed in the under-12 age bracket
* Most Burberry garments worn per capita
* Highest incidence of haemorrhoids
* Silliest national leader

New developments, such as the disturbing rise in the consumption of deep fried chocolate bars and the introduction of ‘beer breaks' for nursery children, underline the Scots' disregard for all things deemed ‘healthy'.

"The Scots are a fun, but dangerous, people to hang out with," said Professor Wylie as he revealed his findings in ‘The Foxy Hoor' bar in the university's medical school.

"The Scottish psyche is ‘if you like it, dae it and dae it some until you fa' o'er or spew'. Those who don't go along with that are seen as ‘big Jessies'.

"The rate of self destruction is accelerating and it appears irreversible.

"In 20 years time, the average life expectancy of a Scot will be six hours and 20 minutes and that, quite simply, means extinction."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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