Written by Kent Pete
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Topics: Language, Swearing

Thursday, 1 January 2009

image for Potty mouth saves Mrs Barlow

An elderly shopkeeper told yesterday how she scared off two knife wielding raiders by using a stream of swear words.

Brave Joan Barlow, 69, decided that the only way to fight off the yobs was to use offensive language.

The balaclava-clad pair, armed with ten-inch blades, were so shocked they fled.

Adreneline fuelled Joan, who is just 5ft, even chased them out of the shop in Kensworth, Beds, before they roared off in a blue Peugeot.

The drama was captured on CCTV.

She was working alone and about to close up shop for lunch when the raiders struck.

"As one of the men came towards me with the knife I decided that desperate times called for drastic measures. At first I shouted at him 'What the blazes are you doing, what would your mother think?'"

"He staggered back a bit and his friend seemed slightly shaken. However they soon regained their composure and came at me again".

"It was then I decided to really let fly. I am not proud but I looked one of them square in the eye and said, at the top of my voice, 'Go to hell you pair of wankers'. It seemed to work as they disappeared very quickly".

However the drama was not over for the tiny Joan. After about half an hour the evil attackers returned with cotton wool in their ears.

"I couldn't believe it. I had just finished clearing up after the first robbery and back they came. I could see they had protected themselves from further verbal assaults and had to think on my feet. As they started to go for the till I quickly went to the stationary section and in bold print wrote out the words 'JUST FUCK OFF'. As they came towards me I held up the card. I have never seen two grown men run so fast".

The raiders escaped with just the dispenser containing 1,000 lottery scratch cards which Mrs Barlow cleverly cancelled by ringing Camelot.

It was the first raid on the village store, which she and husband Alan, 72 , have run for over 30 years.

Proud Alan said: "I can't say I approve of the language but I am so relieved she is OK."

Joan has a message for any thieves out there who are planning future attacks.

"I have spoken to my husband and we would like to publicly state that we will protect our livelihood no matter what it takes. If that means the use of the "C" word in future then so be it".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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