Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 1 January 2009

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Mr Stigfold

A man has been seriously injured in an accident whilst pulling a Christmas cracker at his home in Rotherham, South Yorkshire.

Herbert Stigfold, 83, a lonely old man who lives on his own, had found a box of crackers round the back of the local Woolworths store which had closed only days earlier.

Mr Stigfold endured Christmas on his own, and this morning, to welcome the new year, he attempted to pull one of the festive crackers himself, pulling from both ends. This was his undoing.

Paramedics who answered a neighbour's emergency telephone call, said that Mr Stigfold had managed to dislocate both shoulders, twisted his left elbow, and also had two sprained wrists.

A doctor at the hospital where he was taken, told us:

"He's had a nasty shock and a rotten Yuletide. People of his age shouldn't go pulling crackers on their own. He's sat up in bed now, but it'll be some time before he's up-and-about. Silly old bastard."

Asked by our Spoof reporter whether he would be pulling crackers next Christmas, Mr Stigfold, wearing a red paper crown, said:

"Fuck off!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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