London/ Icelandic Times - Admitting defeat, financial guru Bernie Madoff officially threw in the towel and turned over the reigns to his official title of "Mister Green the Money Machine" to Nobel Peace Prize winner, Al "Tubby" Gore and his boutique investment firm.
While attorneys gobble up $28.5 million of the remaining empire of Madoff as a fee to "account" for more than $50B dumped on Bernie and gone missing, Gore's firm confidently assures their environmentally conscious clients they can quickly cool off "hot money" and turn it into "politically correct" windfall profits that don't leave a trace.
Buying into the latest craze of "Clean Money", the Church of England today announced it couldn't transfer fast enough over L150M into the hands of the puffy former VP and failed Presidential candidate, who, despite the chilly London climate exhibited all the tell tale signs of a nervous con....blinking eyes, a sweaty brow, and most importantly, clammy hands as he stuffed the funds into a steamer trunk in a private meeting room at the Bank of England.
Gore promises to only invest the funds in companies that are "sensitive" to the world's environment, and promised "long term" growth, but with "fantastic" short term dividends, working with a "Secret" formula perfected by former Clinton Financial Advisor, Vince Foster.(now deceased under mysterious circumstances)
Replying to critics of his "Global Warming" theory, scientists actually say 2008 was the coolest in decades, Gore still sticks to his story that the world's climate is changing, along with it's Political Climate...."Just wait a year," he said," one year with Obama and you'll see we'll be in a "melt down".
His parting investment tip: "BUY SPAM!" a prediction also echoed by TV's biggest investment Ham, Jim Cramer on his end of the year "Dooms Day" scenario show for 2009.