Written by Monkey Woods
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Sunday, 18 January 2009

image for Christmas Sales Going Well, Say Experts
Things are on the up for some

Sales of unwanted trash in UK stores are doing well, say experts, due principally to the Credit Crunch, the inability of some shops to carry on trading, and the fact that some Britons are just so fucking greedy, they will buy ANYTHING, so long as it's been reduced.

Major retailer, John Lewis, reported sales were up by 7%, and that frantic shoppers were buying anything they could lay their filthy hands on.

Other stores have benefited from organisations like Woolworths that have gone to the wall.

Retail analyst, Alf Price, told us:

"A Wilkinson store in Birmingham has seen its profits go through the roof, after the Woolworths next door shut down. These are great times for the retail sector!"

Shoppers we interviewed on Britain's high streets were upbeat.

Maureen Buyowt in Hull, told us:

"I got mesen a pack o' toilet rolls that was reduced from £2.99 to £2.39, a garden spade with the handle missing for 59p, and a roll of carpet for a quid - mind you, it's fire-damaged, but so what? It was cheap!"

Shaz Pox from Leeds was also pleased with her trip to the stores. She said:

"I got some laddered tights from Debenhams for 25p, 2000 bobbins of pink thread for a tenner, and a sombrero for £1.99. I've done ever so well!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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