Written by jeremy griffiths
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Monday, 12 January 2009

image for Shock EU Toilet Paper Directive
Front or Back?

In a move designed to promote health and hygeine the EU have announced that from April 2009 all toilet paper will be printed with instructions urging users to fit toilet paper so that it rolls off the FRONT of the roll rather than the back.

Spokesman "Biggie" Jobs said at today's press conference, "To date, advise has been falling between two stools, with no hard and fast guidance as to correct procedure, we must in future be firm rather than soft to get to the bottom of this problem".

Indignant members of PARPP (Preserve All Random Poo Particles) insisted that they will fight a rearguard action to continue their "off the back of the roll" belief system as their movement are firm believers that random spreading of faecal matter is essential to the survival of the species.

Anglo-French funded research in which households were carefully monitored, have proved that in homes with "RRPP" (Rear Rolling Papier de Poo"), have 18.6 times as much Random Poo Parts within one square metre of the toilet paper mouting point than those with "FRPP". Researchers found that in homes with a particularly high elderly or child quotient, the figures were up to five times higher.

The new directive will eventually enforce the selling of toilet tissue or "P de P" in sealed dispensers which will only work in a forward motion.

Spain is to be allowed a 10 year 'phase in' period as it is acknowledges that they have not yet embraced the concept of toilet paper at all.

An ongoing study funded by the Cushionfloor Refinishing Associated Partnership is expected to prove that carpeted bathroom areas are responsible for just about everything.

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