Earlier this morning, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth was arrested by West London Police for punching Liverpool football star Steven Gerrard.
'We had just given Mr. Gerrard an MBE at Buckingham Palace', she said, 'when he suddenly laughed at us, and shouted 'Liverpool are magic, Everton are tragic! Na na na, na na na!', and we lost our temper a little with him, as we are lifelong supporters of the Toffeed ones. And so we launched an Eric Cantona-style kung fu kick at him over the table of canapes, but sadly we missed. We then fell back on our ancient breeding, and felled Mr. Gerrard with a right hook we believe would have been appreciated by Richard Hatton.'
This incident ties in with Her Majesty's Christmas message, when she said she felt that families are important and that even what are technically known as 'fat Scouse gits' deserve a peaceful and happy festive season - 'but not if he keeps making jibes about Everton!', she added, before driving off in her horse-drawn carriage to place a bet on Everton qualifying for next year's UEFA Cup.
Her husband shouted out of the carriage window: 'Gerrard? Gerrard? Didn't he win the 2,000 Guineas once? They shoot horses, don't they? I'll shoot the blighter when he gets out of the cells! Drive on!'
The Queen has been bailed for £100 million, but Mr. Gerrard is widely expected not to visit the Tower of London in the near future.