Written by Specs Haver
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Sunday, 28 December 2008

image for Church is to blame for debt misery, says Darling
"I want money... that's what I want"

With Adams, Whittard, Woolworths, Zavvi and MFI all having filed for administration in recent weeks, financial analysts are predicting many more well-known names could go to the wall in coming months as the amount of money being spent in Britain's retail sector plummets.

Church leaders have publicly condemned economic policies, describing the Government as "morally corrupt" by encouraging people to spend, spend, spend in an effort to keep the economy running.

However Chancellor Alastair Darling today issued a sharp rebuke to the Bishops who criticised him for his stewardship of the economic welfare of the country's citizens.

"They say we're encouraging people to spend money they haven't got, so they just get further into debt. Clearly, they don't understand simple economics. Look - if people went to Church on Sundays instead of going to shopping malls and watching QVC all day long, they wouldn't spend so much money, and therefore wouldn't get into debt.

"So the question should be - why are they not going to Church? Far be it for me to say - oh, ok I will then - these bloody bishops in their fancy cloaks and jewel encrusted hats are basically chancers. I mean - they only work one day a week, but hardly anybody goes to listen to them. They need to do some serious marketing and advertising - get a good catchphrase too - how about 'This isn't just Gospel, this is C of E Gospel'. Yes, that would work. And they need to work on the lyrics of their dreary songs - why not get Bernie Taupin to write some - he seemed to do well for that John Elton bloke.

" Add some jokes or magic tricks… get some karaoke going in the church … a couple of roulette wheels too, or an hour of bingo. That would get folk flocking along. Then they wouldn't spend so much money on shit they don't need from B&Q and Homebase."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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