Written by Ben Macnair
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Sunday, 28 December 2008

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Kevin, the Ghost of Christmas yet to come, tomorrw

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Christmas yet to come have admitted that 2008 has proven to be a far busier year than they were expecting.

A Mr Marley, dragging his chains behind him told us: 'In my time, it was easier for them. There were not so many rich, mean people around, so they could spend so much more time with one miser, and see a definite improvement in his behaviour and his demeanour, but now it is much more difficult for them'

The Ghost of Christmas Future broke his vow of silence to speak exclusively to us: 'It is all very well trying to be mean and moody' he told us, in his surprisingly high pitched voice, 'but it is thirsty, thankless work. In Scrooge's time it was fair enough, but now there really is no excuse for it. They have their warnings from a dead business partner. You would expect them to be able to put on the kettle for a decent brew, maybe get a decent supply of biscuits in, but they never think of that. They waste money schmoozing people that can further their career, but we try to do something to improve their lives and what do we get? I look forward to the time we get a thank you letter, or just some recognition for our work and efforts, but I seem to be waiting in vain for that'

The Ghost of Christmas Past said 'I agree with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to come. His real name is Kevin, but it does not seem to be as menacing to call him that, somehow. I mean I show them a time that was happier for them, show them the error of their ways, give them something to think about. Then John the Ghost of Christmas Present shows them what their family is doing, gives them a view of what the world thinks of them. Honestly, if we were doing this as a going concern, with a proper business footing, we could charge £1,000s for it, but as we do it for nothing, we cannot really justify doing it for much longer'.

The ghosts, who between them have been dead for nearly 900 years have a lot of experience in changing curmudgeons for the better, but sometimes regret their work being exposed by Charles Dickens. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to come told us: 'Our work would be a lot easier to carry out if people did not know about us in advance. Now they just see our work as being something of a cliché, aimed at pleasing people around Christmas time. I wish we could just work in the background without people knowing anything about us. By the time I visit they are usually sick of ghosts. We tried it on Derek Acorah once. He just compared us to Buses. Said he waited ages for one Ghost, and then three turn up on the same night. We can tell you that he has never fooled us, but we believe people who watch Most Probably not Haunted are a good detail more gullible than we are'

The Ghost of Christmas Present finished by telling us: 'We could be visiting you next year, but if the Credit Crunch continues for much longer, there will be no Ebenezer Scrooge's for us to visit, only a lot of Bob Crachitt's, and he is already a good bloke, so getting him to change will be no real fun'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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