Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 23 December 2008

image for Everything must go
Only forty quid. Want it?

With Woolworths doing better trade in the last few days than in the preceding ninety-nine years, it has been announced that everything must be sold before the end of the year, and that means everything.

In the store in Altrincham, near Manchester, shoppers walked out with CDs, Ladybird clothing, shopping baskets, a cash till and the shop safe.

"When we clear a shelf of stock, we sell the shelf," said twenty-one year old Rubin Glee, the shop manager. "Yesterday we sold the last of the price guns and all of the magnolia paint. We're running quite low on shopping trolleys, they're a hundred nicker each. If you buy three, we'll give you the third for a tenner."

Shoppers aiming to do a spot of DIY in the new year are stocking up on essentials at Woolworths, with one shopper stripping the ceiling tiles and air-conditioning unit. "I'm doing up my basement," he explained. "I reckon these ceiling tiles will look quite nice. I couldn't get the air conditioning unit to separate from one of the tiles, so I bought that as well; it was only fifty quid."

One of the more popular items being sold are screwdrivers, with shoppers using them to remove the mirrors from the clothing department.

One enterprising shopper bought the CCTV system, and then robbed the store.

CDs and CD racks are being sold in great numbers, though the shop still has fourteen hundred Girls Aloud albums. "They're only five pence," said Glee, "I don't understand why they're not selling. Not even the staff want them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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