Written by Specs Haver
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Tuesday, 23 December 2008

image for Brown reveals Capitalism revival plan - throwing stuff, TV roulette and phone-in votes
What happened to the economy, Gordon ?

Prime Minister Gordon Brown yesterday gave a surprisingly upbeat view of how the economy will improve over the coming year.

Speaking at the December Number 10 news conference, he invited journalists to throw their shoes at him:

"Give it your best shot, lads. They couldn't hit Bush! Do ya feel lucky, punks? Well do ya? And ..no you're not getting them back. You'll have to go out and buy a new pair. That'll help our shoe shops during these hard times - it's clearly the right thing to do.

"By the way, David Cameron is having his conference tomorrow, so why not throw your cameras and recorders at him? There's a sale on at Curry's so you should be able to pick up replacements at good prices - and don't forget the VAT is now only 15%

"We've seen the fantastic voting figures on TV shows like X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing - I mean people even vote for celebs who aren't even in the running, and they keep on trying to vote after the results have been announced. How stupid is that? So, we're ordering the BBC to expand their range of pointless game shows and wheel out more clapped out ex-celebs.

"We've already suggested a new one called Britain's Got Strictly X Next Top Choirs Standing - there's still a few soap stars who haven't appeared on these type of shows, and there's always loads of old pop stars looking to cash in on the nostalgia market. We reckon the likes of Noddy Holder, Alvin Stardust and Gary Glitter would jump at this sort of thing. Well, maybe Gary Glitter isn't such a good idea …. Anyway, some format like getting them to trek across the Arctic, stopping to do bushtucker trials like eating seals and building igloos.

"That new Roulette Nation program on TV is just whats needed. People staying up late to watch it, using eletricity, then using their remotes and PCs to place bets - just brilliant. The odds of winning are still better than the odds of your shares increasing in value - and more fun too. And the commercial breaks tell you about all these bimbos that you can send texts to - just brilliant.

"So as you can see, this Government will do whatever it takes to protect the British economy because it's the right thing to do. Oh… nice shot there, Nick Robinson … but you missed… ha-ha!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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